Wanted: Confidence

I feel like i'm being tested by some greater being this memorial day weekend - either that or i'm testing myself for some subconscious reason.


The Work Situation
I gave 4 weeks notice at my current job for several reasons. First, I wanted to make sure I left everything in good order, especially considering it was in disarray when I initially came in. Secondly, I haven't taken a vacation since i've been there (just under a year) and had planned on taking some time at the end of June. So it worked out to take that time in between jobs. It's funny how you never really know how your co-workers feel about you until it's your 11th hour.

I've actually been overwhelmed with kind words and gestures from people in several different departments - some of whom I haven't even needed to work with. One person in particular called me when he got word and invited to take me to lunch before I departed, saying this was a hit for the company losing me but still congratulated me on moving forward - this from a person whom I really only had one 30 minute conversation with once while working on a special project. I wasn't expecting this kind of response and I greatly appreciate it. Yet, the way I am being treated by my direct report has left me very upset. A person with whom i've had conversations about my work there and my career path every week since i've started. Someone whom I trusted and who became somewhat of a mentor for me. Someone who was aware that this was coming and left me with the impression they understood. This person has pretty much ignored me since the day I gave notice and has only sent short, curt emails to me. This person isn't even going to be here my last few days. I feel slighted and hurt. I had hoped that I would be able to carry this relationship outside of this organization, but now i'm not sure.

So while i've been carrying this with me, i'm still trying to focus on moving forward with my life through a new job, new hobbies, new purpose and new career transition focus. I was excited for this memorial day weekend because it included alot of training, baseball, and time by the pool with friends.


Marathon Training Saturday
Saturday morning I met a fellow phillyfitter whom is also doing Triathlons this summer for a bike ride before our group run. Most of my cycling training so far has been on an indoor trainer. I've always been able to ride a bike, I just never did much of it. And prior to this spring, I had never used peddles and shoes that clip into the bike. So it's whole new world for me - one that needs lot of practice out on the road. I've only gone out on the road a handful of times and with my first triathlon only a month away, I realize I really need to get out there.

I'll admit it - i'm scared. Clipping in and out comes with coordination and technique and anybody will tell you, initially, you're going to fall. The first time I went on the road, it was after a physiological test I did at my training center, so my muscles were already tapped, and I was with someone who was less than supportive of my struggling with this something that was new to me. If your first experience isn't a good one, it's tough to get back out there and try it again. So I put it off for a little while - sticking to the indoor trainer.

Now, I was riding with someone who was a more experienced cyclist than I am and willing to work with me and give me sound advice. I didn't fall this time - I was a little nervous, didn't go out too hard and had a little bit of muscle fatigue towards the end. But overall, it was ok - made me feel like maybe I could do this. Afterwards, on our group run, I started out with the pack that set the pace at 9MM - it was hot and humid at this point, my legs were a little shaky from the ride, and I just haven't worked back to that speed yet since my injury. So I started dropping back as I found it more difficult to breath. At the turn around, I had to stop and stretch, so the entire group eventually went ahead of me. I kept them in eyesight the entire time on the way back, but still, it's tough mentally and emotionally to be behind the pack. I reminded myself there was alot of time - i'm still coming back from this injury and I couldn't have even done with 4 mile run even a month or two earlier. Be patient and be positive.

Triathlon Training Sunday

I didn't sleep as well as I could have Saturday night and woke up before my alarm Sunday morning. I was anxiety ridden. This was the first day I would be riding on the road with my training group - going over part of the triathlon course. I get to the center and start to pump my tires. When I released the pump something pricked the bottom of my left index finger. (this small incident will be more significant later in the story.


Then, the moment of truth. We were about to take off on our ride - starting on the wrong side of a street, going uphill, with car traffic. Can you spell DISASTER for Nicole?!??! I clip one foot in, try to pedal forward but can't, then fall with the bike over into the middle of the street. Can you say embarrassing?? One of the guys in the group came over to help me up and give me some advice. So finally, I get on the bike again and after a few shaky pedal strokes, i'm bringing up the rear of the pack as we head to the course.

For about 2 miles, i'm hanging in there with the group. Then, we hit Kelly Drive, which is ever so slightly uphill going towards the city. I start to realize the group is getting further and further away from me. I'm pedaling like crazy - my RPMs are over 100 (I should have been cruising at 80-90 RPMs), i'm breathing heavy, and my quads are starting to burn. I don't understand what's happening. A few minutes later, my coach dropped back to see how I was doing. I told him I had no idea why I was struggling so much. I was scared I wasn't going to keep up the rest of the ride. Fortunately, we were coming to our first stop so he could show us where the swim waves would go from and my legs had a moment to rest.

After this break, it was fairly smooth sailing. I clipped in and out a few more times and kept up with the group - even passing some of them on a climb. Maybe I was getting the hang of this after all. At one point, everyone had stopped to regroup after the climb. I didn't want to clip in and out again, so I slowly circled them. When I realized I was thirsty and they weren't going to be starting again at that moment, I clipped my left foot out and rolled to a stop. I was literally going .5 miles per hour with a free leg to stop on - yet, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I decided to lean towards the right - yes, that right that was still clipped into the bike. So - down again I went. Yes - now i'm completely mortified.

I regroup yet again and we head back towards the center. I made it one piece with a few scrapes and bruises. Also with a swollen knuckle on the pinky finger of my left hand (I have no idea where that came from) and with no feeling left in my left index finger (turns out that pinch earlier while and inflating the tires hit a nerve that made me lose sensation in that finger.) Mentally and emotionally, however, I was completely spent. I had no confidence in my ability to do this and for the first time wondered if I had bitten off more than I could chew. I'm not worried about the swim or run at this point - I may not race fast but I know i'll finish those two portions. It's the 25 mile bike portion in the middle of the Tri that has me in a panic.

Confidence is Needed
Feeling pretty low after this experience, I spoke with a few friends. They have all sent me the same message - i'm letting myself get defeated mentally. I need to get over this - think positively and be confident in my ability to do this. I'm not trying to win this thing - my goal is to finish the triathlon and enjoy doing it. Through entering this sport, i've had the privelege of meeting some very supportive people. More experienced athletes are offering to work with me one on one, share their knowledge, go over the course with me, help refine some of my skills, and offer encouragement the entire time. I'm so grateful for this. All hope is not lost - I still have 4 more weeks to find and build this confidence necessary to complete this goal. (oh yeah, and the two sprint triathlons I registered for in August - yes, I know - I just couldn't help myself!)