Wanted: Confidence

I feel like i'm being tested by some greater being this memorial day weekend - either that or i'm testing myself for some subconscious reason.


The Work Situation
I gave 4 weeks notice at my current job for several reasons. First, I wanted to make sure I left everything in good order, especially considering it was in disarray when I initially came in. Secondly, I haven't taken a vacation since i've been there (just under a year) and had planned on taking some time at the end of June. So it worked out to take that time in between jobs. It's funny how you never really know how your co-workers feel about you until it's your 11th hour.

I've actually been overwhelmed with kind words and gestures from people in several different departments - some of whom I haven't even needed to work with. One person in particular called me when he got word and invited to take me to lunch before I departed, saying this was a hit for the company losing me but still congratulated me on moving forward - this from a person whom I really only had one 30 minute conversation with once while working on a special project. I wasn't expecting this kind of response and I greatly appreciate it. Yet, the way I am being treated by my direct report has left me very upset. A person with whom i've had conversations about my work there and my career path every week since i've started. Someone whom I trusted and who became somewhat of a mentor for me. Someone who was aware that this was coming and left me with the impression they understood. This person has pretty much ignored me since the day I gave notice and has only sent short, curt emails to me. This person isn't even going to be here my last few days. I feel slighted and hurt. I had hoped that I would be able to carry this relationship outside of this organization, but now i'm not sure.

So while i've been carrying this with me, i'm still trying to focus on moving forward with my life through a new job, new hobbies, new purpose and new career transition focus. I was excited for this memorial day weekend because it included alot of training, baseball, and time by the pool with friends.


Marathon Training Saturday
Saturday morning I met a fellow phillyfitter whom is also doing Triathlons this summer for a bike ride before our group run. Most of my cycling training so far has been on an indoor trainer. I've always been able to ride a bike, I just never did much of it. And prior to this spring, I had never used peddles and shoes that clip into the bike. So it's whole new world for me - one that needs lot of practice out on the road. I've only gone out on the road a handful of times and with my first triathlon only a month away, I realize I really need to get out there.

I'll admit it - i'm scared. Clipping in and out comes with coordination and technique and anybody will tell you, initially, you're going to fall. The first time I went on the road, it was after a physiological test I did at my training center, so my muscles were already tapped, and I was with someone who was less than supportive of my struggling with this something that was new to me. If your first experience isn't a good one, it's tough to get back out there and try it again. So I put it off for a little while - sticking to the indoor trainer.

Now, I was riding with someone who was a more experienced cyclist than I am and willing to work with me and give me sound advice. I didn't fall this time - I was a little nervous, didn't go out too hard and had a little bit of muscle fatigue towards the end. But overall, it was ok - made me feel like maybe I could do this. Afterwards, on our group run, I started out with the pack that set the pace at 9MM - it was hot and humid at this point, my legs were a little shaky from the ride, and I just haven't worked back to that speed yet since my injury. So I started dropping back as I found it more difficult to breath. At the turn around, I had to stop and stretch, so the entire group eventually went ahead of me. I kept them in eyesight the entire time on the way back, but still, it's tough mentally and emotionally to be behind the pack. I reminded myself there was alot of time - i'm still coming back from this injury and I couldn't have even done with 4 mile run even a month or two earlier. Be patient and be positive.

Triathlon Training Sunday

I didn't sleep as well as I could have Saturday night and woke up before my alarm Sunday morning. I was anxiety ridden. This was the first day I would be riding on the road with my training group - going over part of the triathlon course. I get to the center and start to pump my tires. When I released the pump something pricked the bottom of my left index finger. (this small incident will be more significant later in the story.


Then, the moment of truth. We were about to take off on our ride - starting on the wrong side of a street, going uphill, with car traffic. Can you spell DISASTER for Nicole?!??! I clip one foot in, try to pedal forward but can't, then fall with the bike over into the middle of the street. Can you say embarrassing?? One of the guys in the group came over to help me up and give me some advice. So finally, I get on the bike again and after a few shaky pedal strokes, i'm bringing up the rear of the pack as we head to the course.

For about 2 miles, i'm hanging in there with the group. Then, we hit Kelly Drive, which is ever so slightly uphill going towards the city. I start to realize the group is getting further and further away from me. I'm pedaling like crazy - my RPMs are over 100 (I should have been cruising at 80-90 RPMs), i'm breathing heavy, and my quads are starting to burn. I don't understand what's happening. A few minutes later, my coach dropped back to see how I was doing. I told him I had no idea why I was struggling so much. I was scared I wasn't going to keep up the rest of the ride. Fortunately, we were coming to our first stop so he could show us where the swim waves would go from and my legs had a moment to rest.

After this break, it was fairly smooth sailing. I clipped in and out a few more times and kept up with the group - even passing some of them on a climb. Maybe I was getting the hang of this after all. At one point, everyone had stopped to regroup after the climb. I didn't want to clip in and out again, so I slowly circled them. When I realized I was thirsty and they weren't going to be starting again at that moment, I clipped my left foot out and rolled to a stop. I was literally going .5 miles per hour with a free leg to stop on - yet, for some reason unbeknownst to me, I decided to lean towards the right - yes, that right that was still clipped into the bike. So - down again I went. Yes - now i'm completely mortified.

I regroup yet again and we head back towards the center. I made it one piece with a few scrapes and bruises. Also with a swollen knuckle on the pinky finger of my left hand (I have no idea where that came from) and with no feeling left in my left index finger (turns out that pinch earlier while and inflating the tires hit a nerve that made me lose sensation in that finger.) Mentally and emotionally, however, I was completely spent. I had no confidence in my ability to do this and for the first time wondered if I had bitten off more than I could chew. I'm not worried about the swim or run at this point - I may not race fast but I know i'll finish those two portions. It's the 25 mile bike portion in the middle of the Tri that has me in a panic.

Confidence is Needed
Feeling pretty low after this experience, I spoke with a few friends. They have all sent me the same message - i'm letting myself get defeated mentally. I need to get over this - think positively and be confident in my ability to do this. I'm not trying to win this thing - my goal is to finish the triathlon and enjoy doing it. Through entering this sport, i've had the privelege of meeting some very supportive people. More experienced athletes are offering to work with me one on one, share their knowledge, go over the course with me, help refine some of my skills, and offer encouragement the entire time. I'm so grateful for this. All hope is not lost - I still have 4 more weeks to find and build this confidence necessary to complete this goal. (oh yeah, and the two sprint triathlons I registered for in August - yes, I know - I just couldn't help myself!)

It's that time again!

Yesterday was the first day of my second season with Phillyfit, my marathon training group. This time I have my sight set on the New York City Marathon in November. I can't wait!!

New job!

Yes, i've been back in Philly for only about a year now, and i've already accepted a new position. I guess you can say I like a change of scenery. I won't be working downtown anymore - which is kind of sad - but hell, I can still (or rather start) going in to hang out more. I feel good about this decision - it's getting me back to level I left (Director as opposed to Manager) when I moved out of New York. Will I be at this job 10 years from now? That is doubtful. Not because of the job, but because I most likely will be making a career transition. To what? For years I contemplated going to law school - so much so that i'm taking my LSAT next month. However, the more I talk to people and learn about the law profession, I feel like the things I would enjoy about practicing law would be outweighed by the things that would make me unhappy.

I eventually want to stop wearing suits and sitting behind a desk or having to negotiate with people or kiss their butts. I strive to not wake up and dread having to go to work and deal with the typical 9-5 structure. I don't want to feel like what I do is "work" but rather something that I enjoy and is just part of my lifestyle.

So what is my lifestyle? I imagine if you asked most people that know me what comes to mind when they think of me, the answer will be along the lines of a dancer, athlete, and sports enthusiast. I'm an active person - i'll run 20 miles in 20 degree weather at 5 in the morning because I love it, despite rubbing my skin raw on the bottom of my foot or the shooting pain radiating from my popping hip. I also feel strongly that if we have the ability to help others, it is our duty to do so. And frankly, with my schedule the way it is, I don't feel like I have the time to do enough to help others.

I was chatting with my massage therapist one session about this sort of thing and he suggested maybe I should consider health services. The irony in this is I initally had though about this close to 15 years ago when I was applying to colleges. A few schools I applied for dance - the path I eventually chose - but the others I applied for majors in the sciences - Biology & Physical Therapy. I knew I wasn't going to dance forever, and somehow I overlooked this interest i've had in the sciences and health services when I made my transition towards more of a business career.

Now, i'm starting to look at it again - i've been talking with my trainer, Lee, my massage therapist, my physical therapist, and other friends about this. I've even been speaking with program directors and philadelphia area colleges to learn more about what I would have to do to make this kind of transition. What peaks my interest the most at the moment is becoming a physical therapist who specializes in sports injuries. I'd have to go to school at night to take a bunch of prerequisites in order to apply for a DPT (Doctor of Physical Therapy) program. That would probably take 2-3 years for me to complete on top of enrolling in a 3 year DPT program. It would be a long journey - but one I think would be well worth it because the end goal is to just be happy with my life. Being happy to me is working in a field that I enjoy, yet still having the time to train on my own and enjoy life. Money isn't a priority for me - Enough money to live comfortably, yes. But I have no desire to work 12+ hour days for a nice paycheck. It's just not worth it to me.

I'm not making any definitive decisions right now - i'm just exploring my different options. Please feel free to weigh in with your thoughts or suggestions!

A few clicks away...

I had some down time this evening and was checking in on my friends on myspace. So you click on a friend, then click on one of their other friends whom you don't know because that person looks interesting, then you click on that person's friend, etc. etc. I somehow found myself on the page of a woman from the Philadelphia area my age. She had a few spam posts in her comments section in recent days then, some puzzling messages from friends left about two weeks ago. They wrote poems saying how they loved her and missed her and remembered those favorite times they had together. As I read on one post confirmed my suspicion when a friend said that she left the earth too soon and heaven was a better place. She has last logged on April 24th and these messages were left April 27th.

I was taken aback by this and curiosity had gotten the best out of me, so I began clicking on these commentors profiles to see what she might had written to them her last days. Nothing out of the ordinary - talking about getting together with people and a few jokes. Nothing in hers or her friends profiles indicate that she was sick. I can only guess this beautiful 31 year old woman died suddenly and tragically. It left me with an uneasy feeling.

I'm going to be 31 in 2 months - that could be me or anyone I know. What are the odds? No one knows. And I know there is nothing you can do about it. You just have to enjoy life while you can. I learned this when my father passed away suddenly after I graduated from high school. But I suppose I need to be reminded of it from time to time. I've been down for months now - maybe even years with a few spikes of happiness. And really, why? I can give you a million reasons - with my injury, with my living situation, with my work, etc. But does it really matter? Shouldn't I just find the positive side in these situations and take it all in stride?

I'd be lying if I said I wake up everyday saying to myself, this will be a good day. I'm going to make a concerted effort to do this now - so I should get to bed so I can wake up tomorrow and tell myself that it will be a good day.