Free Hugs Campaign. Inspiring Story! (music by sick puppies)

I've been struggling lately - feeling unhappy. Then I came across this - it made me break down and cry but leaves you with such a warm feeling. I hope it leaves you with a smile. Enjoy!

Bloody Runner

I didn't think I was going to dress up in costume for this Halloween - but it turns out I did take on a persona - the bloody runner. Running in daylight during the week now is not an option - sunrise isn't until 6:30 am, the time that I should be in shower, getting ready to go to work - and when I leave work now it's dark. But, tonight being Halloween and only needing to get an easy 35 minute run in, I decided to run on the sidewalks in my neighborhood. I knew it would be safe with all the parents ands kids out trick or treating. Since it's warm today, I headed out in my shorts and tank. 20 minutes in, I was feeling good, when all of the sudden, I tripped, fell, and slide on my knees, shins, and palms of my hands down a hill. The sidewalk was uneven and it was not well lit at all. Ouch! I didn't know what hit me. It hurt. I was about 5 blocks from my house. So I started walking home - blood running down my legs. Walking among the kids in their costumes, I was the bloody runner.

Flowers

I haven't run since my 21-miler. My hip, for the most part, feels good and my foot has mostly healed. I'll go on an easy run tomorrow morning to get back on schedule but I only have 2 and a half more weeks in my taper - then it's the big day! More about that during a later post.

I want to give major props to my girl Jenna for finishing the Marine Corps Marathon in DC this weekend. Jenna works full-time at a law firm, is in law school at night, and despite all this, did whatever training she could and finished her third marathon! She will be part of my inspiration as I try to finish my first 26.2 miler on the 19th.

I was helping out at a haunted house my boss was having for her son and his friends on Saturday and her boyfriend (who is currently not living in Philly), drove up to surprise her - walking in the back door with red roses in his hand. How incredibly romantic! He's a great guy and she looked so happy....it's just the kind of thing I dream of but am doubting i'll actually find. I know, I know - in time it'll happen to me. That's what you all say - but i'm depressed right now (more about that later as well).

Another Flower story - today, my co-worker received a HUGE bouquet of flowers from a "blind date" she met for a mere 10 minutes (yes, it went that well). She has no interest in seeing him again and i'll admit, it's very creepy. But still, after 10 minutes she's having men sending her flowers (and a fruit/candy basket) and what do I get? I get one amazing night of great conversation, chemistry, kissing, cuddling, then..... NOTHING. Maybe a phone call or two, a few emails here and there, but then they dwindle, disappear. Aren't interested in making other plans - there's always some excuse. This isn't just one occassion i'm speaking of - it seems to be a pattern in my life. I know part of my problem - i'm extremely particular. So I feel like the dating pool for me has shrunk. And let's face it - the guys out there that just feel like they're a great fit for me are either married or gay. Argh....i'm just letting off steam....don't mind me.

I woke up this morning and just felt so defeated. I'm very frustrated that I haven't gotten any offers on my apartment in NY. I've dropped the asking price twice already in the four months its been on the market. As the weather is changing i'm trying to pull bags out of the garage with my warmer clothes, but have nowhere to unpack them in my mother's house. A single, independent, 30 year old woman who is used to living on her own should not move back in with her mother after 12 years. But I had no choice - and I love my mother - I just need my own space. I do feel like it is getting in the way of my dating life.

What's most frustrating is Philadelphia Sports. I can't even go into yesterday's game - Those wind gusts were ridiculously frigid in the upper level of the Linc. That was the worst Eagles game i've seen in years and up until this weekend, I was holding on to hope that the three losses in our season were only mental ones that could be corrected and we were a much higher caliber team that would take the NFC East. With the end of season demise of the Phils, the "we can't get started" broad street wusses, and the "we couldn't beat the JV squad at Abington High if we tried right now" Eagles (for numerous reasons, I just can't follow the NBA - so no mention of the 76ers here), I have this sinking feeling that this is a new, dark chapter in Philadelphia sports - no glimmer of hope - just loss after loss after loss - for years to come. Yes, I know, i'm pessimistic. It's Monday...and i'm stressed, and very tired.

48 hour roller coaster

I didn't run for 1o days - and I couldn't tell you why really. I just didn't get my butt out there to do my workouts. So last Wednesday, I decided to do my speedwork after work on Kelly Drive. It was in the 70s and muggy so I was back to shorts and a tank for the run. The 10 minute warm-up was fine, then I picked up the speed. That's when I started laboring - my calves started to flare up and my ankles became so stiff I felt like I couldn't flex them. 15 minutes in I decided to stop to see if I could stretch it out. It was a very painful stretch and came to the realization this wasn't going to be the speed workout I wanted it to be. So I started jogging back to my car slowly - but that didn't last very long either. The lower back and hip pain started to bother me a bit too. I felt so defeated.

I just chalked it up to a bad day and was surprisingly calm and well rested for my long antipated 21 mile run on Saturday. The brightening sky as I was driving to the run was enlightening. About a mile into the run, the sun was bright, the air crisp, the colored leaves falling on the trail was peaceful. About a mile into the run, it became apparent that this guy Jim would be my running partner for the 21 miles. We were both going at a comfortable pace together so it was somewhat unspoken that we would be by each other's side for the next 3 and a half hours.

We had decided to stop at the water stations our coaches set up along the way and use it as a mental refresher. It was much easier to say to ourselves "only 5 miles to the next station" as opposed to "We have 17 miles to go". The first stop at the 4 mile mark was a quick 90 second one and we were feeling good and optimistic. Jim was very upbeat - pointing out the beauty of the open fields we ran through, over the creeks and the dense woods. Just before we were to hit the second station at the 9 mile mark, I asked Jim how he was doing. He said alright, but his hamstring was acting up. So I assured him the next stop was just around the bend and he could stretch while we refueled.

We would be hitting the same stations on the way back, which would be at mile 12 and 17. I think this was the easiest stretch for us. Jim said he got a rush whenever he reaches the turnaround point, which would be at mile 10.5 for us. And it was only 3 miles before we returned to our water station. So at mile 12, we were doing pretty well - still in high spirits - bodies getting a little tired, but still hanging in there. This upcoming 5 mile stretch before we got back to Carole & Stan's (our coaches) water station was a tough one mentally for me during the 18 miler we did two weeks earlier and told Jim this. He ensured me we can't think of the mile markers but just take in the scenery and be happy. It wasn't about time or distance - just finishing.

Surprisingly, I felt ok during this stretch. Jim, on the other hand, started hurting. His hamstrings were getting tight and he would groan slightly every few steps. I tried to remain encouraging - trying to break down the trail for him - "not that far till we hit the highway we have to cross - then we're on the trail back to the station." (I knew the perkiomen trail from Oaks to Schwenksville better than he did because he had missed the 18 miler we did on this course). When we got to Stan and Carole, we had slowed our pace a bit and I was starved. I had eaten and drank at every station and continued to drink in between. But after 3 hours of running, I was just famished. We took our longest rest here at mile 17 while I scarfed down pretzels and swedish fish and drank plenty of gatorade. Jim was hurting - my hip was a little sore but overall, I was just a bit tired.

Only 4 miles to go. After the last stop, we both found it very difficult to start up again. It took a few strides for our bodies to adjust to the jogging motion. For the first 2 miles in this remaining four, my body was just on autopilot. Jim was breather and groaning more heavily. A biking group of teenage boys and a few fathers kept passing us on the trail, but then pulled over every mile and we would pass them. Perhaps it's because I was tired, but I found it a bit annoying. It's at that point when people will walk, or jog, or ride by you and they look all fresh and say Hi to you. It's difficult for me to smile back or squeak out a hi because at this point, i'm starting to feel the pain - i'm pretty sure I have a huge blister on the inside or the arch of my left foot (the same place as the abrasion that sidelined me for three weeks in August on my right foot) and my right hip is very sore. On occasion, a step onto my left foot would send a shooting pain up my left leg. This all came at once - I started to fall apart at mile 19. Both Jim and I are laboring - shuffling along. We knew we were close but it seemed we were never going to get there.

Then, there is that moment, when you come around a bend and see the finish line (which ended up being the parking lot for us). We dug in and motored on home. We both let out a big celebratory yelp and gave each other a high five. We got to our coaches car who had all the bagels and gatorade and other select goodies as well as cheers and applause for us for fininshing the dreaded 21 miler. With the excpetion of the 4 stations we stopped at briefly to refuel, Jim and I ran the entire 21 miles. If I had been alone, like I was for the majority of the 18 miler, I would have stopped to walk several times. But having Jim by my side, he just kept me going and I know I did the same for him. I couldn't believe what I had accomplished. I thought to myself, there is a chance that I will be able to run 26.2 miles in a few weeks. It was such a high.

I hadn't made any plans for the remainder of the day because I knew i'd be tired and would need to rest. As the day went on, my knees began to throb and my hip was very tender. I couldn't walk without hobbling and forget going up and down stairs. Even as I tried to sleep, it hurt just lay and I would have to adjust my position which would hurt even more. I scheduled an appointment first thing to have a light massage on Sunday morning, hoping it would ease some pain. While it definately felt good, the pain didn't subside after my massage. In fact, I began to feel even tighter as the day has gone on. One thing that we did discover during the massage was how tight the right psoas muscle is ( a deep abdominal muscle which originates at my 12th vertebrae and inserts into my hip or vice versa). That could explain the hip pain - or it could be bursitis. It could be many things really and the only was to know is to get it checked out by an orthopedic surgeon. The only thing is, I don't want to go because I don't want to be told that I can't run in the marathon - not that I could run now if I tried.

I don't know what to think or do - just take it day by day I guess. But I went from the ultimate high yesterday to a new low this evening.

What's the point?

I completed the 18 miler my group ran, thanks to the help and encouragement of my coaches. It was pretty tiring, but oddly enough, not too painful. This weekend is the 21-22 miler i've been dreading. I can't imagine finishing it, but then again, I wasn't sure about the 18 either. I just have to remember what we, as runners, do - put one foot in front of the other to move forward. That's it.

As I was watching the frustrating and heartbreaking loss the Eagles had in the Saints game yesterday, I would periodically look at the clock and figure which mile i'd be on during the marathon. I have no idea how i'll do having never done 26.2 miles before - but based on my training, I don't think i'll finish any faster than at a 10 MM pace - which translates to 4 hours and 22 minutes - which is essentially running during an entire football game - and then some.

I have to confess, i'm starting to lose motivation. I haven't been getting in my weekly runs and couldn't peel myself out of bed this past Saturday at 5:30 am when it was a cold 35 degrees and pitch black outside. It's some kind of funk i'm in. Sure, I could go through my room, throw out everything old to make room and unpack my warmer clothes, but why? I should wake up early to do my speed work, but i'd rather sleep in a bit more. I could go to the gym between work and the show tomorrow night to lift some weights, but its too much of a hassle. I get the job done at work, but I could do more. Where is all this coming from? Why now?

Have I made the right choices? It's been over 3 months now and I haven't gotten one offer on my apartment in New York. Should I have stayed? I hate living out of bags, not having my own space, feeling like i'm living in limbo. Perhaps that's why i'm, for the most part, disinterested in most of the men out there i'm coming across (with the exception of one at the moment). Sometimes I feel like I should save myself the aggravation, the dissapointment, the feeling of being disrespected or disregarded. What kind of attitude is that? This isn't like me. Why am I in a funk? More importantly, how do I snap out of it?

Pouring..

...figuratively, that is. Ok, not really - but I notice in my dating life - it's just never simple. It's not meeting one person who's really cool and going at a comfortable pace until you end peacefully or remain committed. The opening scene in Grey's Anatomy last night was priceless - She's laying in bed, naked with a white sheet wrapped around her figure, with that "after-glow" (you know what i'm refering too!). She turns to one side to kiss one of her suitors, then to the other side for a kiss from another one. Talking about a fantasy! It never works that way for me.

It's either, ya hit it off with two people and feel it would be too complicated to carry on with both therefore, you choose one and let the other go. Inevitably, in my case, I end up choosing the wrong one. Glutton for punishment I am. Or, If I happen to be one of two in my suitor's life, i'm not the chosen one. I think maybe I should become a nun.

Fantasy

The ALDS game 2 with the Yankees vs. Tigers is currently in a rain delay. I just put in the 2nd load of my laundry and have eaten my dinner. As I await to see if they might get this game in, i'm rubbing the arches of my feet and calf muscles. My legs are more sore today after my 3.5 miles speed workout than the 10 miler I did over the weekend. It was 30 degrees warmer during this workout than my long run a few days ago, so that may be part of the reason. I can't believe how much earlier it's getting dark now. By the time I got home and got changed into my running gear, it was 6:45 pm. 15 minutes into my run, the sun had pretty much set. There are lights at the track I was doing my 1600 meter repeats but they didn't turn on. During my second repeat, I saw lightning in the distance. It was a pretty cool sight but for safety reasons, I decided to cut this workout short and head home.

I have a fantasy of coming home after a run and having my guy stretch me. Then, as I take a shower, he'll prepare my post-run meal with a 4 to 1, carb to protein ratio to help my glycogen stores for my next run. After we share this meal together, we kick back and he rubs my feet and legs to help flush the lactic acid from my sore muscles while watching whatever game is on. Yes, I know it sounds selfish, but if you know me, you know this is exactly what I would do for my man. I like to care for and nurture the person I care about. To be involved and help him with whatever makes him tick. I have yet to find that person who reciprocates this sentiment. Still, i'm going to dream - I won't give up hope and remain a hopeless romantic. Settle for no less than what i'm willing and wanting to offer.

Brrrrr....i'm flying!

I cried myself to sleep Friday night. It's so difficult to come to that realization that it does more harm than good to keep someone in your life. I had a stressful week. Lots of deadlines - heading into work early and leaving late. I still wasn't finished and had to head into the office after the run on Saturday to beat another deadline. I was tired, felt worn, emotionally and physically. I was really looking forward to my 10 mile run Saturday morning.

It was still dark and 45 degrees outside when I woke up. This time we were meeting at Forbidden Drive for our 10 miler. It was a cutback week for us - next week we'll be attacking an 18 miler and longer drills during the week. 45 degrees is cold enough for me to grab a long-sleeve running shirt. I grabbed a pair of running pants, but decided against it. Not ready to retire the running shorts for the season.

Forbidden drive has always been my nemesis. To the naked eye, there are only about 2, maybe 3 noticable hills. But to your legs and your lungs, it is apparent there are very little flat stretches in this trail. The first 5 miles out appears to be mostly downhill. The pack of us running was very small today. Probably no more than 25 people. Part of our group decided to stay at Valley Forge this week for their run.

So I started out in the front, just behind our head organizer and an assitant coach. It was a comfortable pace - just fast enough to get our heart pumping to warm up. I didn't really feel comfortable with the temperature until 2 miles in. 2.5 miles in is Valley Green Inn and for some reason, the two coaches ahead of me pulled to the side - perhaps to use the restroom or adjust something. So all of the sudden, I found myself in an unfamiliar position - the lead runner. There were a few people who I know run a faster pace than me, but I figured they were taking it easy in the cutback week.

So now, I was setting the pace with another female runner just to the right of me. Coming to some downhill slopes, we took advantage of them and started to pick up the pace. I didn't look behind me and was running with my ipod so I had no idea who was behind me or how far behind they were. At the turn around point, I was feeling good and was happy that I was running a faster pace, more like I was running during last winter/spring season. A handful of runners weren't that far behind the other woman and myself. As we turned around I said to her "Now it's uphill from here". She nodded in agreement and we were set to plow on through. About a half mile into our way back came the first steeper incline. 'Keep your feet under you, lean slightly forward, and just put one foot in front of the other' I kept thinking to myself. All of the sudden, I was at the top, and despite the fact that I was breathing more heavily, I felt ok. I felt like I could keep going and maintain my pace. The woman who was running next to me didn't fair so well. At the top of the hill she pulled behind me and to the side of the road. I was on my own now.

I felt like I was on autopilot - just flying - my legs kept going and going with a higher rate of turnover than i've had in a long run in months. The cool air felt good in my lungs and I could see my breath. 'Don't let up - keep going strong' I was telling myself in my mind. So what if it was a rough week - so what if I was tired and stressed and emotionally distraught. I was going to keep going. I wasn't going to quit. I was going to leave everything back on the trail. The last 3 miles, I did feel more tired, and my pace did suffer slightly. But mentally, I was winning.

I got to the end of the trail. I was the first one back. It was such an odd sensation. This isn't a race with my fellow runners. This was a competition within myself. And I had won today. It is the first time that I didn't stop once to take a walk break on this trail. Not only did I not walk, I had never run so fast on this trail before either. I needed this - I needed this badly to boost my confidence and to reign in the negative forces in my mind and body. I know the next few weeks of my training are going to be brutal. But I feel ready to tackle them. And you know what? The rest of my life I feel ready to tackle as well.