I've been single for 8 months now. The first few months were rough, experiencing both new and familiar raw emotions. For the first time in my life, I held a magnifying glass over myself to examine the ugly truth. It was time to be real because I was in denial, living a lie. I was unhappy. I was lost.
I'm also a bit of a control freak and a planner. I wanted to plan an attack to regain happiness and have complete control on executing that plan. I'm sure you're reading this thinking, "Dream on sister. It doesn't work like that." Well yeah, you're right. I had to learn the hard way. I had to fight, struggle, let go and have faith that the universe will send me on a trajectory into unknown territory that would hopefully be wonderful, with a few surprises along the way.
It's happening. Many things are out of my control. Instead of freaking out, i'm open to the possibilities, and find this all quite liberating. I might go out on a limb and say i'm the happiest i've been, maybe ever in my life.
This brings me to the title of this post - dating. Perhaps its because my last relationship was rather unfulfilling, but i'm really cherishing my freedom and independence being single compared to feeling insignificant and trapped as a "significant other". Now, I know not all relationships are like this. I look back to my relationship with my college boyfriend - 2.5 years of a solid, stable, loving relationship where neither of us had to compromise who we were or what we wanted to be in the relationship.
I'm 35. Beginning in my late 20's, I started feeling that biological clock ticking. I believed "society" (or maybe it was my mother) was telling me it's time to land a man and make babies. I lost myself trying to make that happen. That biological clock is broken now - I don't hear it ticking anymore. Would I enjoy having a husband and children? Yes, i'm sure I would. Do I need to have a husband and children? I can't say that I do.
I welcome a man in my life - whether it be for good company and laughs or love. Yet, I don't need a man in my life. I know people say that all the time. I've said it in the past. The difference is, this time I actually feel it. So, I haven't had a first date in four years. When I think back to the last first date I had with my ex and my frame of mind at the time, I should have known we would have been doomed. I don't know when i'm going to have a first date again. I do know my mind is now clear, so no matter what happens, it'll be a good time.
